I was wonderin what to write this week to all of you, then my sister-in-law, Lauren, just posted this on her page. I think that all of you need to hear this, it's beautifully written and really speaks to your heart, enjoy!
I sit here in my green lawn chair staring out onto the ridge of 6500 acres at Pole Canyon. As I stare out I see trees, cactus, ridges and hills but the one thing I don’t see is the only thing I am looking for – my horse – Bert. I feel like a mom who stays up all night waiting for her kids to come home safe. I call out yelling his name “Bert, Bert!!!” but he is either too far away to hear me or he doesn’t care.
Bert panicked earlier today when his pasture mates rode off on a trail ride with out him. He did NOT and WOULD NOT be left behind. He was in a 10×10 pen but that was not going to stop him from being with his herd. Horses need security to feel safe and Bert’s security was in his pasture mates. When the securty was ripped away from him, he panicked. First he threw a tantrum and with out words was saying, “Don’t go, Don’t go! Please don’t leave me here, I don’t want to be alone and I am scared!” But when that didn’t work he started to bang his body up against the pen panels hoping to push them open. When that didn’t work, he lost all sight of sanity – all sight of self preservation. We call this FIGHT or FLIGHT in the horse world. And Bert decided to “FLIGHT”! He jumped over the pen. It wasn’t one smooth jump – Nope – he was stuck half way and ripped the skin off his front legs. That didn’t slow him down or stop him – “FLIGHT” continued to ring in his head. He pushed his back legs off the ground and jumped over the rest of the pen. This time his front hooves scraped up against his back legs causing blood to gush down his beautiful white leg. Bert’s fear took over and he was no longer the rational, sane horse that was given back to me from the trainers just 6 short months ago. He was irrational and very capable of causing harm to me and himself – all so he could be close to the other horses and have a sense of securtiy back.
I tried to call him down and catch him. I tried to offer him food, grain and water – all securties and things needed for survival. None of that mattered! Finally with panic and fear his his eyes, he took off into the vast open space – the 6500 acres of Pole Canyon Ranch. Now I sit here staring out onto this beautiful view constantly sweeping the ridge lines looking for a trace of my beloved horse. As I sit here, I have to wonder -”Is this how God feels?”
Is God sitting on the His throne looking out onto the horizon hoping that His Children will still find their way home?
Did God see the panic and fear in our eyes as we made the wrong decision that caused Him harm – that caused Him pain – as we turned our backs and galloped off chasing something we would never find?
Did God provide us with a pen and strip us of our false sense of securties, in order for us to trust Him and rely on Him for safety?
God is this how you feel?
As all these thoughts run through my head and I wrestle with the idea that my horse may not be found and may not find his way back, I hear God say “Lauren, would you give this all up for me?” Continuing to stare out to onto Pole Canyone, I said “God I would give it all up for you.” At the moment, I had to lay Bert down.
We continued to search for Bert. Other riders had gone out for several hours in search of a sign of my horse. They looked for fresh tracks but because the land was so dry they could not find any. We would climb to the highest point of the Canyon hoping for a glimpse of Bert. We continued to call his name and look in creeks and brush for my lost horse – still no signs of him.
Over 30 hours after Bert panicked and left camp, a cowboy named Floyd arrived at the Canyons to go trail riding for the weekend. Floyd was an avid trail rider and new the land at Pole Canyon like the back of his hands. I informed Floyd of the missing horse and asked him to keep his eyes open for a buck skin paint.
We had left that evening to go into town for dinner. They hoped to distract me from the emotions of feeling as if I had lost my horse. They tried to reassure me that he could still be out there and we would find him before we came home; however, I could tell in their tone that even they were beginning to lose hope.
As we drove back to the Canyons that evening, I could see from far off the rode that someone had put their horse in Bert’s pen – Wow – that hurt! Even the other riders believe he isn’t coming back and they are now using his pen for their horses. As we drove closer to the camp site and the pen where Bert was last seen, I catch a glimpse of the horse that is now in his pen and I scream “Bert is here! Bert is here! My horse is back!” It wasn’t another horse in his pen but it was my horse! It was Bert! I yelled “Stop the car!” and I swung the door open, jumped out and ran as fast as I could towards pen number 10. It was Bert – it was really him. He was in his pen, safe and unharmed. He only showed signs of cuts and scrapes but overall he was fine and happy to be home. I turned around and there sat Floyd outside his trailer. I ran towards him and said “Did you find Bert? Are you the one who brought my horse back?” He said he found him far off in a field by himself and Bert couldn’t have been happier to have been found and head back to camp with him. Before he could even finish his rescue story, I gave that cowboy the biggest hug ever which in return he replied “Wow, I didn’t realize the horse was worth that much?!?” And I told him, “He is worth that much to me!”
In Luke 15 is the story of the prodigal son. The prodigal son ran off into the world and wasted all of his inheritance. He was left with no money, food or shelter. The son left the safety of His father’s home to chase after the things of the world. He finally came to his senses and decided to go home. In verse 20 it says “When he was still a long way off, his father saw him. His heart pounding, he ran out, embraced him, and kissed him.”
God feels the same about us. He is looking out over the highest points yelling our name “Lauren, come home! Lauren, come home!” He is searching for us in the canyons, creeks, ditches and brush. He continues to have hope and believe that He will see us walking out over the ridge line headed towards Him! Bert chose to go into the vast canyon by himself because he was too afraid to stay at camp alone. But what Bert didn’t realize was that although the other horses were gone, I was still there. He was never alone! And just like Bert was never alone, we are NEVER alone. No matter how scared we might be or feel, we are never alone. All we have to do is call on His name and He is there!
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